Women and Sex

Posted June 24, 2013 by Monica O'Connell in Life After Five

Let’s chat about sex on this Monday morning.  Grab some coffee and join me.  I have couples who come into see me who call and say that there’s something wrong with their sexual intimacy.  The most common complaint is the frequency of sex is less than ideal for one or both partners.  You been there ever? You don’t have to raise your hand, I promise.  I want to dive into a few pieces of why this comes to be and often times what it really is about.

We’re in 2013 and it’s time to start more openly talking about women and sex.

The old cutesy grade school giggle isn’t working for anyone.  Find some girlfriends who are safe to chat with and/or your partner and jump in. The stereotype that men have a higher libido and sex drive than women do is shaming for women.  I know plenty of women who enjoy sexual intimacy and think about sex as often, if not more often than their sexual partners.  Pretending like that’s not true doesn’t help your relationship and doesn’t help your friends to talk about sex.  It’s often true that within a relationship, people’s sexual desire and frequency differ however I’d like to suggest that it’s not just that guys want to have more sex and women want to have less sex.

Women are sexual and the societal suggestion that we shouldn’t be because it’s “slutty” is insulting. It’s not serving women to pretend that we don’t and haven’t self pleasured. I’m talking about the collective us.  You don’t have to raise your hand here either, unless you’d like to and if you haven’t, that’s OK too.  However, lots of women have.  You’re not shameful for doing it. Your body probably thanks you. Your partner would probably love to know more about it.  And if you feel your frequency of doing so is healthy, good for you.  If you’d like help to know more about it, lemme know, let your partner know, let your best friend know.  We’d all love to support you.

Under the same sexual umbrella, women have fantasies, sexual likes and dislikes and with a little reflection could probably come up with the 10 best ways to be turned on.  Let’s stop pretending that we don’t and can’t.  Opening the sexual intimacy dialogue with ourselves can only shift improvements in our relationships.  If you already know what trips your trigger and you  haven’t yet told your partner, have a fun evening of sharing one or two of your faves.  This helps our relationship by increasing our level of communication and being assertive in getting our needs met.

Finally, after we’ve combated the above common concerns we reach a place where the couple’s concern about not having enough sex finds solution in two places.  The first is that there is a biological/medical concern and we need to spend some more time exploring that and talking to doctors.  The second is that it’s not really about sex.  Something else is happening.  The couple is usually not communicating and there are larger underlying problems.  If I don’t really like my partner because of xy&z, chances are pretty great that I won’t want to be sexually intimate with them.

Thanks for the Monday morning sex chat.  Feel free to continue it behind closed emails should you like more assistance and feel safer having the conversation there.

About the Author

Monica O'Connell

Monica O’Connell is a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In her practice, she spends her career cheering on “Career Girls” as they learn how to get the most out of life. Monica works with arguably some of the most successful, intelligent, inspiring women in the Twin Cities who tackle self-discovery, career success, and what’s getting in the way of their true desires. She shares her favorite moments as those “best described not by words but by the stomach aching, face soreness that comes from spending an entire day laughing with loved ones.”